In Satire on November 16, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Strom Thurmond.

Image via Wikipedia

November 16, 2011
| Reported by: Dixon Maibut|
|Editor: Brad S. DeFlumeri Jr.|


HAPPY VALLEY, PA — As the GOP nomination for 2012 heats up, so too does Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky’s lurid shower tales. In fact, OCCUPY HAPPY VALLEY SHOWERS, through its investigative arm, can now confirm that no fewer than three GOP presidential contenders – and former Republican United States Senator from South Carolina Strom Thurmond – as well as Fox News personality Sean Hannity were present in Penn State football showers with Mr. Sandusky and naked young boys.

The three presidential contenders — Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, Herman Cain of Georgia, and Mitt Romney of the Mormon Church – immediately responded to our investigative findings with statements:

Said Santorum: “The reports of my involvement in the football showers are true. I love football. And God. As I have said repeatedly, where atheist liberals promote evil, I will be promoting Christianity – while Coach Sandusky sodomizes young fans or not. Go Penn State!”

Said Cain: “Today my staff explained to me the meaning of the word ‘sodomy.’ Didn’t know that one. I can neither confirm nor deny whether Coach Sandusky did, in fact, have sex with those young honkey boys, because I was quite busy in those nice warm showers – busy lathering up Senator Thurmond. The rich Mormon was there too, ask him.”

Said The Mormon, Romney: “As a tall, rich, good-looking Mormon who constantly runs for president, I can confirm that during Coach Sandusky’s sodomy with the young fans, at no point did anyone ingest coffee or other caffeinated beverages. Were Coach Sandusky inclined to marry his young lovers – in the showers or otherwise – then the Mormon Church would so arrange.

Apparently back from the dead, longtime KKK member and racial divider Sen. Strom Thurmond commented this way: “Up there in Pennsylvania, I did on multiple occasions shower with a Coach Sandusky – a good white man and damn fine coach – and some youngsters. I am happy to report that there was no mix-breeding during these showers. Wow, a black president? I am going straight back to my coffin.”

We were fortunate enough to track down Fox News commentator Sean Hannity for his take on the showers.

Mr. Hannity opined: “Yes, the showers at Penn State were great. Great, Great, Great. Like my panels. Some communist mentioned sodomy. Can’t tell ya much about that – was waving my big red, white, and blue flag, and couldn’t see where Sandusky’s flag was – but the whole thing sounds pretty un-American to me. I mean, come on. Sodomy in the shower with a famous football coach? Sounds like a great time to me. Well, Mr. Murdoch called and told me to stop talking. See ya on the panel.”

Dixon Maibut is not financially aligned with the Republican Party. He reported from the shower, in the Happy Valley, before the Penn State football game.

  1. Jerry Sandusky is one dirty dawg. He done quarterbacked every youngster in Happy Valley. Touchdowns all over that shower!!! Happy, indeed.

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